Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Fictional Works Mentioned in Gargantua (Random Table/Any System)

The following is a Random Table derived from Public Domain resources at Wikipedia and a few other sources. Not only is it designated Open Game content, it's Public Domain, so use it as you wish wherever you wish, it is doubtful that Rabelais will care overly much. Just be sure to include a poop joke or some mention of mustard...
Books and Manuscripts of Dubious Provenance as Mentioned in Gargantua
  1. Abbots' Donkey-Size Pricks.  Alleged to contain 1d4 quite inapproriate spells.
  2. Advanced Asslicking, for Graduate Students
  3. Adversus quemdam qui vocaverat eum fripponatorem, et quod fripponatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia, by Sutor
  4. Alchemists' Windpipes
  5. And Cheese, Too.  Contains the spell: Call Cheese.
  6. Antidotarium animae, by Merlin Coccaius
  7. Antipericatamentanaparbeugedamphibricationes, or Discussions on All Manner of Subjects by Shit Monks. Possession of this book carries a base 30% chance of attracting the attention of the Shit Monks. Reading it has an 80% chance. Never read it out loud.
  8. Ars honeste petandi in societate, by Hardouin de Graetz
  9. Astrology's Chimney Sweep
  10. Badinatorium Sophistarum
  11. Ball-biting Promoters
  12. Barbouilamenta Scoti, by Scotus
  13. Batwing Hats for Cardinals
  14. Begging Monks' Stew. Suspected of being the source of a variant form of Create Food and Drink.
  15. Bell Ringers' Ballgames
  16. Bigot's Stew
  17. Bigua salutis
  18. Bishops' Antidotes for Aphrodisiacs. Notorious source of the dreaded spell Cause Impotence.
  19. The Bishops' Bagpipes. A rather loud book known to attract wandering monsters once opened.
  20. Blinders for the Road to Rome. Save -2 or be struck blind.
  21. Boots for the Stouthearted
  22. Bragueta juris
  23. Cacatorium medicorum
  24. Callibistratorium caffardie, actore M. Jacobo Hostratem hereticometra, by Jacobo Hostratem
  25. Campi clysteriorum, by Symphorien Champier
  26. Cardinal Cajetan's Whinnyings
  27. Catalogue of Academic Candidates
  28. The Chains of Religion
  29. Cheated Husbands in Court
  30. Close-Shaven Clerks, by Ockham
  31. The Clownishness of Little Priests
  32. Commercial Rope Tricks
  33. The Cost of Letting Monks Beg
  34. The Crucible of Contemplation
  35. Cullebutatorium confratiarm
  36. De auferibilitate pape ab ecclesia, by Gerson
  37. De Baboinis et cingis, cum commento Dorbellis, by Marmotretus (Presumed to be written by a sapient Marmot)
  38. De batisfolagiis principium, by R. Lullius
  39. De bobelinandis glosse Accursiane baguenaudis repetitio enucidiluculidissiam, by Pilloti Raquedenari (A known pseudonym of the infamous cutpurse 'Penny Squeazer')
  40. De brodiorum usa et honestate chopinandi, by Silvester of Priero
  41. De cagotis tollendis, by Justinianus
  42. De calcaribus removendis decades undecium, by Aubry de Rosata
  43. De capreolis cum chardoneta comedendis, tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto, by Pasquilli
  44. De castrametandis crinibus, by Ejusdem (Spurious forgery committed by a delusional doppleganger writing in mirrorscript)
  45. De compotationibus mendicantium, by Friar Lubinus
  46. De croquendis lardonibus, by Reverend Father Friar Lubinus
  47. De Differentiis soupparum, by Guillaume Briçot
  48. De emulgentiarum profectibus enneades novem, cum privilegio papeli ad triennium, et posteanon, by Bishop Boudarinus
  49. De grabellationibus horarum canonicarum lib. quadraginta by Maîstre Fripesaulcetis (Mage with a Disembodied Tongue...)
  50. De Magistro nostrandorum magistro nostratorumque beuvetis lib. octo galantissimi, by Chaultcouillon (Author also noted for creating the infamous testicle-destroying Hot Balls spell)
  51. De modo cacandi, by Tartaretus
  52. De modo faciendi boudinos, by Majoris
  53. De moustarda post prandium servienda lib. quatuordecium, apostilati per M. Vaurillon, by M. N. Rostocostojambedanesse
  54. De optimitate triparum, by Beda
  55. De originbe patepelutarum et torticollorum ritibus lib. septem, by Moillegroin (Actually this book was penned by Moillegroin's dog who was notorious for having a wet nose)
  56. De patria diabolorum, by Merlin Coccaius
  57. De pelendis mascarendisque cardinalium mulis, by Marforius
  58. De re militari, cum figuris Tevoti, by Franctopinus
  59. De terribiliditate excommunicationum libellus acephalos, by Jo. Dytebrodius
  60. De usa et utilitate escorchandi equos et equas, by "Our Master of Quebecu"
  61. De vita et honestate braguardorum by Lourdadus (The Sage of Dubrame noted for creating the Stupefy Self spell, killed by a rogue dumb bell in Pasquo)
  62. Decretum universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum ad placitum
  63. Decrotarorium scholarium
  64. Dribbling Tipplings by Useless Bishops
  65. Fairy Tales of the Law
  66. Faking the Holy Cross
  67. Folk Dances for Heretics
  68. Forcible Removal in Matters Requiring a Conscience
  69. Formicarium artium
  70. Fun With Dice -- The first RPG?
  71. Garters, or Patience's Knee-Boots
  72. The Guzzlers' Den, by Alcofrybas Nasier
  73. Heretics' Hides
  74. Heroes' Elephant Balls. Source of the Elephant Balls spell.
  75. The History of Elves, Brownies, and Hobgoblins. Perusal of this book will reveal 1d4 rumors, legends or secrets of each of the three named races.
  76. How a Vision of Saint Gertrude Appeared to a Nun, at Poissy, When She Went into Labor. Banned book known ot have caused at least 6 documented spontaneous pregnancies amongst various ecclesistics, two of whom were men.
  77. How Fast Friars Fool Around
  78. How Grabby Beggars Grab, collected by Brother Cut-your-wallet
  79. How Priests Cover Themselves
  80. How Priests Say No
  81. How to Get to the Bottom, in Discipline
  82. How to Keep It Up Till You're Ninety
  83. How to Make a Nobleman Shut Up
  84. How Virgins Shit. Illustrated by three blind men.
  85. How Wine Spurs You On
  86. Humility's Worn-out Shoe
  87. The Hungry Jaws of Lawyers
  88. Incessant Fartings of Ecclesiastical Scriveners: Scribes, Copyists, Abbreviators, Court Clerks, and Calendar Fixers, compiled by Regis
  89. Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, by Guingolfus (Author was a notorious werewolf)
  90. Judges' Bulging Bellies. Contains 2d4 spells of gastro-intestinal destruction and discomfort.
  91. Ladies' Finger Bells
  92. Landing in Brazil, by Antonio de Leva. Contains 3/4 of the outline of a spell for opening a gate-way to Brazil.
  93. Lawyers' Complaints about the Abolition of Bribes
  94. Lyripipi Sorbonici Moralisationes, by Lupoldus
  95. Magistrates in Cat Fur -- There were furries back in the 16th Century? Surely it's evidence of time travel most foul...there truly is nothing new under the sun...
  96. Magnanimity's Stewpot
  97. Making Money on Indulgences
  98. Malogranatum vitiorum
  99. Maneries ramonandi fournellos, by Eccius
  100. Marriage Tied Around with a String
  101. Misers' Mountains
  102. Monks' Cowls
  103. The Musty Mustard-Pot of Penitence
  104. The Notary's Basket
  105. Official Swindlers
  106. Old Soldiers and Other Bums
  107. On the Clownishness of Country Priests
  108. On the Serving of Mustard after Meals, fourteen volumes, collected by M. Vaurillon
  109. Pantofla decretorum
  110. Peas in Lard, with commentary
  111. Perpetual Almanac for Those Afflicted with Gout or the Pox
  112. The Pharmacists' Fart Sucker. Contains the spell Summon Fart Sucker.
  113. Piety's Handcuffs
  114. Pleasures of the Monastic Life
  115. Poetasters' Bellybuttons
  116. Poiltronismus rerum Italicarum, by Etienne Brulefer
  117. Political Glue
  118. A Pot for All Seasons
  119. The Preacher's Featherduster by a bum
  120. Prognostication, by Songecruyson, the "Master of Useless Dreams"
  121. Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimera in vacuo bombinans possit comedere secundus intentiones, et fuit debatuta per decem hebdomadas in concilio Constantiensi
  122. Rear-Flapping Trousers for Shitheads
  123. Roman Fanfares
  124. Stories of the Kings of Canarre, by Marotus du Lac
  125. Stratagemata Francharchieri de Bagnolet
  126. Stupid Noises by Celestine Monks
  127. Surgery's Kiss-My-Ass
  128. The Sweat Stink of Spaniards, by Iñigo de Loyola
  129. Tarraballationes Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuchlin
  130. Theologians' Rat Traps. Holds 2d8 different Clerical spells for trapping and getting rid of rats.
  131. Theology's Tennis Ball
  132. Thieves' Dens
  133. Travelers' Trinkets
  134. Tricks by Trixies and Elves
  135. The Tripe-Pod of Noble Thought. Alleged to have a 40% chance to cause readers to develop a third lobe to their brain...
  136. Virevoustatorium nacquettorum by F. Pedebilletis (Author afflicted by the dreaded Pin Head Curse...)
  137. What Bothers Priests about Holy Confession
  138. Why Hermits Have Pendulous Beards
  139. Why Monkeys Smack Their Lips When They Pray
  140. Widows' Bald Asses. Summons a herd of hairless Asses to trample the reader.
  141. Worm Powder for the Poor (A notorious grimoire from Wermspittle)
  142. (Dare we attempt to add more to this list? Maybe you have some suggestions? Leave us a comment.)
Now we just have to figure out what's inside each of these fictional books...

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